I’ve been masturbating since a very young age, probably around 8-9 years, I don’t remember exactly. I’ve been watching porn since I was 13. I thought this was normal and didn’t feel any harmful effects. This is my 3 year PMO( porn, masturbation, orgasm) addiction, depression, and NoFap journey story.
In September 2017, when I was in the 7th semester in my college, I watched porn and masturbated for a whole week and didn’t do anything else.
I had a screwed-up sleeping schedule during that time. I watched porn and masturbated all night and slept in the morning. After waking up in the afternoon, I used to go to the hostel mess to eat. After coming back, I again use to start watching porn and masturbating all day and all night long.
I used to masturbate until I physically couldn’t. Basically, all I was doing was eating, watching porn, masturbating, and sleeping, all day and night long, every day. I didn’t go to classes, didn’t talk to anyone, didn’t brush my teeth or take a shower. Even brushing my teeth felt like a burden and an extremely difficult task.
I wanted to stop doing it, but couldn’t. I no longer enjoyed watching porn or masturbating but doing those 2 things was the only time I felt “normal”. When I was not doing it, I felt extremely sad and depressed.
I felt like I was stuck in an unending loop. I felt dead from inside.
During that week, I realized something was wrong with me. I searched for it on the internet and found that my symptoms were of depression. Then I searched for if excessive porn and masturbation could lead to depression, that’s where I came across NoFap.
After that week, life slowly came back to normal. I started going to classes, started taking care of myself, talking to friends and everything went back to normal.
For the next few months, I avoided watching porn or masturbating before any important events like exams, viva, presentations, etc.
From September 2017 to April 2018, I controlled my habit of watching porn and masturbating but didn’t stop it completely.
In April 2018, I again started watching porn and masturbating heavily and felt those symptoms coming back. That’s when I decided to practice NoFap and quit porn and masturbation habit for once and all.
From April to June 2018, I practiced NoFap. I didn’t watch porn or masturbate. In April and May, I was exercising along with doing NoFap and felt my self-confidence going through the roof. I was extremely confident, charming, and happy. I started enjoying little things in life.
In June 2018, I went to Delhi for coaching. For the whole month of June, I practiced NoFap but didn’t exercise. Initially, I felt good, I was attending classes, studying a lot and everything was going great.
But in the last week of June, I started feeling very strong urges to masturbate. At night, while trying to sleep, I could literally feel those urges inside my body and felt like my body would explode if I didn’t masturbate. I relapsed( masturbated) and from there on it all went downhill.
First I was masturbating daily, then twice a day and soon I was not going to classes to watch porn and masturbate.
Soon enough, I started feeling like how I felt during that week of 7th semester in my college.
For the next 3 months( July to September 2018), I locked myself in the room and only watched porn and masturbated. It sounds extreme and it was extreme. Those 3 months were the worst in my life.
My schedule was something like this, watch porn, masturbate, watch youtube, eat, again watch porn and masturbate and sleep while watching porn or youtube. This went on for 3 months.
I wanted that cycle to end but I just couldn’t get out of that cycle. For the whole 3 months, I only left my hostel to take out money from the ATM. Whenever I went outside, I felt extremely anxious. I couldn’t look at people and my heartbeat went up whenever someone was around me. I absolutely hated being outside.
For the whole 3 months, I felt dead from inside and suicide thoughts started coming to my mind. It is very hard to explain those feelings in words. I didn’t feel alive and thought death was better than this life.
I only showered maybe once a week, when a bad smell started coming from my body. Taking a shower and brushing my teeth became an extremely difficult task.
I used to shove myself with junk food. I was eating chocolate, chips, cookies, cold drinks, and all sorts of junk food daily. Eating junk food, watching porn, and masturbating was the only time I felt “normal”. When I was not doing those things, I felt extremely sad and depressed.
I didn’t even feel like going to the hostel mess. That’s why I started ordering food online so that I don’t have to be around people in the hostel mess.
I used to look at girls’ pictures on tinder and masturbate. I felt like I was never gonna have sex or a relationship with any woman and felt like a complete loser.
My taste in porn became extremely violent and extreme. After some time, “normal” porn didn’t give me pleasure. I started watching BBW, BDSM, cuckold, Ass to mouth, double penetration, and even gay porn. I started masturbating to all this porn.
After 3 months, on October 5 2018 to be precise, I finally went to class again. It was very tough but somehow I dragged myself to classes. At first, it was very hard but with time it became easier and I started going to classes regularly.
For the next 50 days, I went to classes and practiced NoFap. Life was coming back to normal again. I started studying and doing all the necessary things. My depression and anxiety slowly started fading.
Then again after 50 days, I relapsed and went into that vicious cycle of watching porn, masturbating and shoving myself with junk food, and not leaving the room. This went on for about 2 months from December 2018 to January 2019.
In February 2019 after writing the exam for which I was preparing, I went back home. Obviously, I failed that exam.
After going back home I felt good with my family members. For the next 3 months( February to April 2019), I practiced NoFap. I started exercising and studying and again felt life was coming back to normal.
I was studying, exercising, praying and eating clean and I felt happy, confident and motivated.
Then in the last week of April 2019, one day after waking up, I felt extremely tired and exhausted all day and didn’t feel like doing anything. This went on for a week. For the whole week, I felt depressed and didn’t wanna leave my bed. I felt like how I felt when I was indulging in porn and masturbation even though I wasn’t. I thought it was the NoFap flatline. I’d heard of the term before.
I had the idea that flatline lasts for a week and when after a week my symptoms didn’t improve, I relapsed. But I felt worse after relapsing. I again went into that vicious cycle of watching porn, masturbating, and not leaving the house.
All the time I’ve broken my NoFap streak and relapsed, almost always I’ve gone into that vicious cycle.
That went on for about a month and a half. I knew I was going through depression. In the first week of June 2019, after thinking for many days, I finally gathered enough courage to tell my father that I wanna go see a psychiatrist. My father understood my problem and took me to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said I was going through depression after listening to my symptoms. He wrote medicines for me and recommended a psychologist.
The psychologist suggested yoga, pranayama, exercise, Journaling and some other activities.
After taking medicines and following the psychologist’s advice, I started feeling better.
For July, August, half of September, for about 2 and a half months, I felt good. I again joined the gym and life was coming back to normal. I practiced NoFap and was taking medications.
Then on September 15 2019, I started feeling low and sad and I relapsed again.
After feeling good and being happy and confident for some time, when everything seems to be going well, I start feeling low and that’s when I relapse and go into that vicious cycle of watching porn, masturbating, not leaving the house and feeling depressed.
For the next 5 months( September 2019 to January 2020), I practiced NoFap on and off. Whenever I was on NoFap, I felt happy and confident and whenever I was masturbating and watching too much porn, I felt worse.
From February 2020, I practiced NoFap seriously and in March, I went to Delhi to do a course and try to find a private job.
In the last week of March, lockdown happened due to COVID-19. I was basically locked in a room in a neighborhood where I didn’t know anyone, and I relapsed. I went into that vicious cycle again.
For the last week of March, the whole of April and half of May, for about 50 days, I went through that cycle of watching porn, masturbating, and shoving myself with junk food all day and night long. This time I couldn’t go outside due to the lockdown. I gained 30 kg weight during those 50 days.
On May 18 2020, I went back to my home when train service was resumed again.
From June 14, 2020, I started following NoFap again and started going to the ground for running to lose weight. I also started eating clean.
From August 12 2020, I joined the gym. I also made this website about fitness, fashion, grooming and NoFap.
Currently, I’m at 66 days of NoFap. I meditate and exercise regularly and feel happy and confident. (Until Oct 2020)
What I’ve Learned
- Porn and masturbation will ruin your life like nothing else
- PMO( Porn, masturbation, orgasm) addiction could lead to depression and even make you suicidal.
- Quitting PMO addiction is a journey, it won’t happen overnight. It’ll take a lot of time
- You’re gonna relapse many times in the process. Relapsing is part of the process. Every time you relapse, get back up again.
- You’re gonna face flatline in the process. It could last for a month. Duration of the flatline depends on the individual and it depends on how addicted you were to porn and masturbation.
- Flatline is the real test of your character and your willingness to quit PMO habit.
- You can’t make NoFap your lifestyle without adding exercise and meditation to your daily routine. You might complete a 30-day or a 60-day NoFap challenge, but you can’t make it your lifestyle.
- See meditation and exercise as part of the NoFap lifestyle.
- If you want to feel inner joy, happiness and want to be confident, practice semen retention and follow a NoFap and No porn lifestyle.
If you want to know how porn and masturbation damage your brain from a scientific point of view, read my THIS ARTICLE and if you want to know how to quit masturbation addiction in a step-by-step guide, read my THIS ARTICLE.
Check out the website yourbrainonporn.com, to find out the effect of porn on your brain.
